City of Homoerotic Subtext
by Latest From The Asylum
Summary: Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who's the biggest jerk of them all? Alec Lightwood may be a sweet, reserved Shadowhunter in his universe, but does that hold true when it comes to an alternate reality? And what would happen if he and his alter ego were to switch? AU -Collab with DoctorTheTwitch-
1. Totally Getting Laid Tonight

_A/N: Warning, rated M for coarse language. And, yes, some offensive content, but if we really thought that way, do you think we would be writing about our favorite fictional gay couple? Enjoy._

_-This is a collab between a friend of mine, DoctorTheTwitch, and I. As she recently got an account and has yet to be allowed to post, CoHS has a temporary home on my account. Sometime in the future this copy will be taken down and then reposted on her account, as it is mainly her ideas at work here.-_

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**_Chapter One: Totally Getting Laid Tonight_**

The locker room was filled with a thick haze of steam from the hot water running from the various shower heads around the room. Alec Lightwood swiped away a patch of fog forming on the mirror in front of him, his hand leaving uneven streaks on the glass. Lifting his razor, Alec paused for a moment to admire his reflection. _Hot damn. If I were a chick I would totally do me. Good thing I don't have to; I've already got my piece of ass. Aw yeah. Someone is totally getting laid tonight. _Nodding at his reflection in approval, Alec quickly shaved and towelled his hair the rest of the way dry. Winking at the glass by way of goodbye, Alec headed out of the showers to change the rest of the way into his normal clothes, dropping the towel on the tiled floor on the way. Someone else could pick it up. Then that person would be like his bitch. Like his towel bitch.

Being quarterback for Westwood High was hard sometimes, but totally worth it. Who else had such an awesome physique, not to mention the near non-stop pussy parade. Not that Alec would ever cheat on Clary. No, they'd been going steady since sophomore year. They weren't splitting up anytime soon...no matter how many girls Alec slept with on the side. Clary understood, surely. It wasn't as if she was completely true to Alec _all _the time. But that was beside the point. The point was that being Alec Lightwood was pretty fucking awesome.

The best thing about his social standing, aside from being sex on legs and his unlimited supply the hottest women this side of Florida, was the power that came with the coveted position of head jock. He could sway the student council with a word and get every virgin pansy wimp in the theater department trashed with a nod of his head. There was no doubt that he was king of the school. Yep, life was perfect.

Alec was interrupted from his thoughts of how glorious his life was by his buddy Simon. He and Simon had been bros for, like, ever, and were as close as two dudes could be. No homo. Cause that would be just... gay.

"Hey, Alec, bro..." Simon came up from behind Alec and clapped his buddy on the back, grinning. It seemed Simon was always smiling around him. It was like Simon was eternally happy or some shit. It kind of made him wonder why Simon couldn't seem to keep a steady girlfriend; he seemed like the type all the ladies would pounce on; well, they did but it never seemed to be in the naked-in-bed way. He was always with the cheerleaders and other girls, and he had yet to officially fuck a single one of them. Or at least, announce that he did.

Alec was secretly jealous of his best friend's ability to be such a fucking ray of sunshine. But what the hell was Alec thinking? He wasn't jealous of anybody. And why would he care if Simon wasn't as stellar as he was with the chicks? More pussy for him. "You left your Old Spice in the shower, man."

Alec gave Simon a playful shove. "Alright, alright, just let me get my boxers on."

"Do you really need to do that?" Simon blurted, eyes on what Alec assumed was his abs. _Dude, really, we both know you have the better abs so stuff it. I can still outlift you any day. _

"What, you like the view gaylord?" Alec smirked maliciously. If there was anything more fun than poking holes in his friends sunny mood, he had yet to find it.

"Fuck no! Put your pants on, homo!" Simon scoffed loudly, shoving Alec away in disgust.

Alec kicked his pants away, posing nude for the whole locker room to see. Another perk to being popular: you can do whatever you want without having to worry about the social repercussions. "Don't deny it, Lewis. You want a piece of this fine ass."

Simon immediately flushed and looked away. "God, what the fuck do all the girls in this school see in you?"

"Exactly what you're seeing." Alec, still as naked as the day he was born, strode back to the showers. "I've outed several guys thanks to the love letters they've sent to my abs, bitch."

He located his usual shower- the biggest one with the badass pump that made the hot water come out extra hard - and pulled the curtain back. Just as Simon said, there was his shampoo and body wash. Yeah, he used body wash. How else would he stay fresh for the ladies?

Bending to pick up the bottles, Alec didn't even care that his ass was hanging out in the air for a few seconds. Like anyone would actually try anything, he smirked to himself. Not only would whoever it was be on the ground in seconds flat, they'd lose their ability to father their gay babies in half that time.

It was while he was thinking of possible ways to beat any of potential rapists a certain glimmer caught his eye. Standing upright, he turned the direction of the flicker: the mirror. At first he didn't see anything past his blinding sex appeal, but then he caught onto something odd. The entirety of the reflection seemed somewhat... translucent. As if it were composed of a fine mist, one he could step through at a whim. _What the fuck? _Glancing back out the curtained shower opening (to see Simon hovering just around the locker room corner, presumably waiting for him to finish) he considered investigating. _The glass probably hasn't completely unfogged yet. That's all. _And yet he couldn't kill his normally dead curiosity.

He pulled the curtain shut and then reached forward as if to rub the dew off, only to be caught hold of by an invisible force. _What the-_ but before he could do so much as blink, the shower was torn out from under his feet and all the world was black.

* * *

Lips burned a hot trail down Alec's throat, sending an electric thrill through him. Instead of cold tile, his bare back was pressed against the soft plush of curtains separating him from what he guessed to be a wall. Clearly product-volumized hair worthy of any of the cheer squad girls tickled under his chin and scratched against his collarbone. Clary's favorite perfume, _Toxic Bliss by Adam Lambert, _hung heavy in the air and "Tall Boy" by Har Mar Superstar pulsed in the background.

_Fuck, I must have slipped and hit my head in the shower. _Alec thought, a black-out being the only reasonable explanation for the sudden change of scenery. As black-outs went, a dream of making out with his hot-ass girlfriend was definitely not the worst. With a concussion, he probably wouldn't be getting any real-life pussy anytime soon so he might as well get off on imaginary sexy times.

Alec was about to comment on how much Clary had improved on her lipwork when suddenly he was cut off when said lips collided with his, prying his mouth open as to deepen the kiss. With a pleased moan, he dug his heels into the kiss, planning to, at any moment, launch off the wall with the aim of pinning her against the bed; hopefully coma-bed was in the same place real-bed was. He pulled away, sighing, "You want to take this up a notch?"

His girlfriend, who had buried her face in the nape of his neck again, nodded. With a predatory grin he commenced his earlier plans and hurled the two of them blindly forward, expecting to be caught in the pink frills and lace of Clary's comforter. Unfortunately, coma bed had decided to relocate itself, and instead of his signature pin-and-fuck he pulled off a scream-and-thud, he and Clary coming into a rather uncomfortable meeting with the floor.

An annoyed harumph came from beneath him, and as it was too dark to really make out facial expressions Alec simply rolled with it. _I shall drown her pissyness with my sexiness. _"It's all good baby..." He purred, his hands running under her shirt and searching for a bra. _God. Clary has really worked her ass out in this coma. Damn, girl. Since when did you get abs to rival mine? _

Nevertheless he dived back down for another kiss, one gladly received as his hands progressed up her front. And up... and up... and up... until he found her collar bone. _Wait. What the fuck happened to her tits? _Alec pulled his hands back down, this time paying closer attention to exactly what he was fondling. Clary's boobs weren't huge, but they were easy enough to find when he needed them. He then discovered two things: first, there was no bra present in this situation of which he would have been more than fine with if not for the second fact.

There were no. Fucking. Tits. _Where's the fucking tits?_

Alec ripped away from the kiss, hands and all.

"Something the matter, Hunbun?" A deep, rich voice mused from beneath him. There was a snap, and the dim light of a lamp flickered on in the corner. It was enough light for Alec to decipher the finer details of who he had been previously locking lips with. Hair was black and not red like his girlfriend's, and there was so much glitter he might as well been fucking a pixie. And the eyes... his stomach did a backflip as he stared down at what he sword were _cat _eyes set against the sharp planes of tanned cheekbones. Lastly:

It was a fucking man Alec was pinning to the ground.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking fuck on fuck. _Alec scrambled up faster than he thought humanly possible, crab-walking back in an attempt to distance himself from this guy as much as possible. When he reached a wall, Alec didn't take his eyes of the creep, instead reaching behind him to claw his way up the wall. "WHAT THE FUCK MAN? WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK?"

"Alec?" The guy sat up, and to his gal, looked _utterly baffled _as to why Alec was reacting so negatively. "Are you okay, dear? Oh Angel, don't tell me you drank another one of the fairy band's drinks, did you? I thought we agreed after the last time-"

"Fuck no we didn't! We didn't do anything! You know why?" Alec sucked in a deep breath, inching his way across the wall as to got closer to the now visible doorway. "I don't associate myself with faggots. And you are the faggotiest faggot who ever _faggoted!_"

There was a pause as this man- _can he even be called a dude, he's wearing an awful lot of makeup -_scanned over Alec with a calculating stare. Finally, he sighed. "I see. You smoked the twigweed again."

"No, I didn't fucking smoke anything, I blacked out and woke up to groping a _dude_, that's what happened!" It was then he made a break for the open door. _Oh sweet freedom wash all this gay off me before it becomes permanent. _

But with another snap, the entrance slammed shut. "Oh no you don't. There's no way in hell I'm letting you stumble around town as high as a kite. Sit your ass down in bed and get to sleep."

"If you think I'm gonna sleep in some fag's bed, you've got it all wrong. I would rather rip off my own-" Suddenly, Alec couldn't hear his own voice anymore. His hand shot to his throat as he tried to croak out even a syllable and failed.

"That's just about enough of that," was the last thing Alec heard before everything went black.

* * *

_End of Chapter Note: Reviews are appreciated and ensure a quick update. What kind of situation will our little douchebag find himself in now? That's for us to know and you to find out._


	2. Hips Don't Lie

_**Chapter Two: Hips Don't Lie**_

While Alec had expected to get naked, he hadn't anticipated it to be _this _quick. Or for it to feel like he was headbutting a cement wall. _Shit-by the fucking-okay I know Magnus has been working out but this is ridiculous- _His head throbbed as he slid to the floor, tile cold against his bare skin. Slowly, as he came into focus and the finer details fell into place, he realized why his make out session had gone south so quickly. Firstly, his partner had vanished, nowhere to be seen in the claustrophobic shower block. Gone was the dark and comfy confines of Magnus' apartment. Instead he was greeted by vomit colored bathroom tile and the thick odor of feet and B.O.

Holding his pounding head Alec let out an involuntary groan. He slumped further into the ground, a chill shivering through him reminding him further of the absence of his clothes. And Magnus.

"Alec?" Hearing his named called from outside the shower Alec was startled to recognize the voice. No, it wasn't his warlock, but relief flooded through him nonetheless. He scrambled to stand up only to nearly collapse again. _Oh Angel everything's spinning... _leaning against the side of the shower wall he pulled the curtain open partially, hiding his naked body.

"Simon?" Alec drank in the sight of the Daylighter, much happier to see him now than ever before. Whatever this trick was, it was made slightly more bearable with the introduction of a familiar face. "Simon, by the Angel, what the hell just happened?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing..." Simon breathed shifting to the side, revealing a men's locker room filled with jocks in various stages of undress. Suddenly Alec was thankful he chose to stay behind the curtain. Though he couldn't fathom where _Simon _of all people got the balls to stand around naked without batting a lash, even going so far as to carry on conversation with an equally naked Alec. "... did you just call me Angel?"

Alec stopped short, shooting Simon an odd look. "Er... no. It's an expression."

Simon didn't seem to buy it. _What the hell, man. You've been around Shadowhunters for how long and you don't even know that? _"You okay there, Bud? I heard...I thought I should come see if you were okay."

_Weird, _Alec couldn't help but notice how odd Simon was acting. _Since when has Simon given a rat's ass-no hard feelings-about me? I guess he's been with us since before the whole Daylighter thing, as well as the Mortal War. Also volunteering to be Marked out to wander the earth, the most ancient of burdens resting upon his back, in hopes of gaining a few allies in the previously mentioned war. But still. This is _Simon. "Uh... as okay as I can be after crashing headlong into the wall."

He turned back to the shower, looking inside for any odd details he may have missed. Aside from a now pummeled bottle of Old Spice, there was nothing that would lend him any clues as to his location. Clutching the shower curtain close, he looked to Simon, squinting his eyes under the pressure of his newly blooming headache. "...ah... where am I again?"

There was a beat. Then Simon shook his head. "Okay, you've got to get to the nurse's office, man. You're scaring me." Before Alec could protest Simon ripped the shower curtain all the way open and took him by the shoulder, pulling him forward. This did nothing to help Alec's confused daze, and he soon found himself- still naked as the day he was born -slumped against the vampire's chest. He tried to right himself, but Simon had already gotten a firm hold on him, guiding him into the locker room. The shadowhunter flushed, eyes falling to the floor before he could see any of the many occupant's reactions. Yeah, he was open, but this was a little much. _Especially with Simon. _

It wasn't until they reached a pile of clothes when the daylighter relinquished his grip. "But put some pants on first. Just because half the school has already seen you naked doesn't mean the other half has to be treated to the sight."

"Pants... would be good." Feeling the heat spread further and further across his cheeks, Alec mumbled something else as he sorted through the unfamiliar clothing. A T-shirt, a pair of jeans and black boxers all lying on top of a pair of red Chuck Taylors. _Are these really my clothes? I don't remember... _He looked up at Simon, who was simultaneously yanking on his underwear and shooting him a concerned look. As was the rest of the locker room, now that he actually looked. There was none of the jeering or taunting he had been expecting from the other teens; actually a few of them approached Simon while he was changing, quietly asking Simon what had happened and if he was going to be okay for the game that night. _Wait, now there's a game? I'm playing a game? Like a Scrabble-game or a soccer-game? Probably soccer considering we're in a locker room but... I suck at soccer. _However the worries gave way to another wave of pain, many thanks to his headache. He fumbled with his clothes for a short amount of time, and by some miracle he was able to dress without much incident.

Simon was at his side the moment he straightened up, more than happy to help him find the exit. Alec wanted to protest, to brush away the guiding hand on his elbow, but as a wave of dizziness hit him, Alec knew he was in no position to refuse the help. Letting the former-mundane lead him out of the crowded locker room, Alec looked around at the long, beige hallway they found themselves in, the walls cluttered with advertisements for various groups and gatherings with some political propaganda thrown in.

Alec had no idea who to expect, already having been met by Simon and a group of unfamiliar boys. He hoped no one would take notice of how he was shambling at the daylighter's side, expecting Jace to pop up any second and to start mocking him for his clumsiness. To his dismay, he was instead constantly approached by random guys who clapped him on the back- something of which didn't help with his headache -talking about how he'd better get well quick so he could kick ass on the football field that night. And then there were the girls. He had met mundane girls before, and they had always seemed a giggly and shy lot. A theory quickly proved wrong as he progressed down the hall; girls were pinching and grabbing and running their hands all over the place. They cooed in worry while simultaneously flirting with him. Everything from, "How hurt are you? I can always help take care of you" to "We should fuck the pain away, Lightwood."

It was all very overwhelming.

Suddenly he was grateful for Simon's firm support, because without it he knew he would have been hopelessly lost in this sea of new "friends". As it was, the other boy led him through the crowds without much trouble and down countless hallways, each the same as the last. A loud sound halfway between a bell and a buzzer rang through the halls, pounding his poor skull senseless with its high-pitched wail. He slouched further into Simon, who seemed to be a little too tense for just carrying Alec. _I'm not _that _heavy... _He cracked an eye open and looked up at him, only to be met with a interesting mix of shock, concern, and determination. _Well that's weird. I haven't seen him look like that except for when Isabelle- _

"Hey," The daylighter interrupted Alec's line of thought with a gentle nudge, "You okay?"

"I..." Alec trailed off, looking around the hall. A sigh of relief blew through him when he noticed the hall had begin to vacate of students. _Thank the Angel... if I had to have one more girl grab my ass I might have lost it. _"Yeah. Just a headache, that's all."

Simon nodded. "Do you think you can stand on your own?"

"Yeah."

"Cool." He shifted so his arm was no longer around his shoulder. Alec felt his hand wrap around his and pull him down a narrow passageway haunted by the most unpleasant mix of cough drops and bandage adhesives. "This way."

Alec was taken off guard by the surprise hand-holding. _Simon... what the hell? _Now that he thought of it, this wasn't the only thing off he noticed about the daylighter. First off, even in his rush to drag Alec out of the locker room he had somehow found the time to gel his hair slightly, the messily perfect array of disheveled half-spikes looking like something out of Magnus' arsenal. So did the dark and well-fitting jeans he wore; they screamed of some obscure designer label of which probably littered the warlock's closet. Gone were the snarky T-shirts as well, replaced with a red cardigan with a cream dress shirt layered underneath it.

It was as if Chris Colfer and John Barrowman had a baby.

Alec was just about to question this strange occurrence when they stopped in front of a door at the end of the hall. By how it was plastered with various posters depicting the human body and all the horrible things that could possibly happen when drugs and unprotected sex were introduced, Alec figured that this was the mystical "Nurse's Office" that had been mentioned earlier. "Here we go..." Simon pushed the door open, smiling. Naturally Alec held back, unsure he wanted to enter this shrine devoted to possible abuse of his welfare. But Simon once again had his arm around him, pulling him inside. Alec turned to protest, but was cut short by the legitimate look of worry in the vampire's eyes.

"Simon..." Alec wasn't quite sure what he wanted to say, but there was definitely something... off about him. Whether it was the hair or the sudden sense of style, which Alec was only able to recognize through his overexposure to Magnus. _Actually... _"Did you have to borrow from Mag's closet or something?"

"What?" Simon's gaze held a tenderness that Alec didn't know existed. He was too stunned by Simon's behavioral shift that Alec didn't notice Simon's hand till it was pressed against his forehead.

He flinched away at the unexpected contact. "Simon really-"

"Everything all right dearie?" Simon pulled away when an elderly woman hobbled in from the back room. _Thank the Angel, someone who isn't trying to molest me. _Alec cleared his throat. "Um, yeah. I just hit my head, that's all."

She glanced between he and Simon, "I see," she said knowingly with a small smile. "Well, if it's a head injury we've got, you may as well sit down, sweetie. Over on that cot there will do." She indicated a narrow bed against the far wall of the little room. Alec nodded, stepping away from Simon and settling onto the stiff mattress. He swiped the hair out of his face, and his eyes widened a little bit when his hand pulled away with a smear of blood on it. _I really did hit my head hard._

Before long the nurse appeared with a band-aid and some disinfectant. With another knowing glance between Simon and Alec, she cleaned his wound and gingerly pressed the bandage down so it would stick. She gave another little smile making her eyes crinkle. "You've got everything a boy like you needs, honey, but if you keep this up you might just lose it. You've got to be more careful with yourself. It's not just you anymore." Giving his shoulder a light pat, the woman threw the leftover plastic strips from the band-aid in the trash bin at the end of the cot.

The band-aid's adhesive pulled on the skin of his forehead as Alec's eyebrows drew together in confusion. He was about to ask what exactly she was talking about when she turned back. "That should do it! Now, be sure to take it easy tonight before the game. Nothing too radical, okay hun?" Before she left him, going back to sit behind a cluttered desk in the corner of the room, Alec though she saw her eyelid drop in a little wink. Alec blinked a few times, wondering if he had imagined it, and more than slightly confused about the meaning behind it. _What is it with all these people acting like they know me so well?_

But before he could even form this question into words, Alec was cut off by the room's door flying open and a fireball slamming into his chest. Caught very much off guard, Alec tumbled backward onto the cot so now that figure hovering over him was practically straddling him when it started talking. "Oh _Alec! _WoobieBear, AllieBun!" The flaming meteor that must have been a person rattled off a long list of pet names, high-pitched voice bringing his headache back into perspective. "Oh my God! I was so worried! I heard a rogue lesbian- was it Maia? I heard it was Maia -charged into the locker rooms and flying body tackled you to the ground! I came as soon as Leah told me and God I thought you were dead! I thought that I would be alone forever and that we wouldn't be homecoming king and queen and wouldn't go out tonight after the game to have-"

"Clary, Clary, Clary! Calm your tits, girl!" Suddenly Simon was behind the firestorm, pulling her off of Alec, freeing him the pin. He slapped a hand over her mouth in an attempt to stop her rambling commentary. "He's cool, okay? No lesbians tried to kill him, alright?"

_Clary? _Alec focused on the human wildfire in front of him, trying to match a name with the face. Easier said than done, he discovered, when he saw that the face he was confronted with was nothing like the one he expected. No longer was she the calm, curly-haired redhead in modest clothing Alec had come to know as his parabatai's girlfriend. Instead he was assaulted by kohl-rimmed eyes, pin-straight hair pulled back into a tight ponytail, and a green and white ensemble of a skirt and top he barely recognized as a cheerleading uniform.

"Nonsense! This boy is in serious need of his Clare-Bear! No lesbians are going to touch my sweet like hunk of Alec!" Twisting out of Simon's grip, Alec only had the chance to raise his arms in protection before Clary assaulted him again. Cringing back against the bed, Alec could barely move, Clary's grip surprisingly strong. _If only she could learn to channel this strength while training..._"Oh, baby, I thought I had lost you." Her voice was lower than before, and Alec couldn't help but notice how uncomfortably close she was.

"Clary...?" The name felt strange when being used in relation to this stranger with a friend's face. A face covered in out of place foundation and eyeliner, but a face nonetheless. "Um, could you uh, maybe back up a bit? Please?" She was so close he could see each of her mascara-drenched eyelashes and feel her breath on his face. "I'm finding this extremely uncomfortable."

She gasped, but pulled away to Alec's relief. She tuned conspiratorially to Simon, tugging his sleeve and whispering, "He really _did _hit his head hard."

"I know." Simon muttered. But unlike Clary, he didn't seem nearly as worried about it anymore. In fact, he was starting to look a lot more chipper; perhaps due to the fact Clary was no longer attempting to rape Alec. He supposed anyone would be in a better mood in the absence of _that._

"Um, hello? Just because I hit my head, doesn't mean I lost my hearing. And I'm fine. Really, I've had worse; you two know that." Alec straightened up, rubbing the back of his head where it had knocked against the wall during Clary's attacks.

His statement didn't seem to lighten the mood as Clary continued to pout. "Of course but... I mean, the time you tore your ACL was pretty nasty but you still wanted me to-"

"You're acting weird." Simon finished, pulling his arm away from Clary's grip and crossing his arms. "I don't think I've seen you this mellow since... well, ever."

"What do you mean?" Alec resisted the urge to scratch at his new bandage, the adhesive irritating where it stuck.

But as he looked at the odd pair, so different from what he had come to know both in behaviour and appearance, it struck him. _There's no way this can really be Simon and Clary. _He puzzled over what could have put him in such a strange situation: staring down doppelgangers in a world that was most certainly not his own. He was in _high school _for Angel's sake. He'd never stepped inside of one in his life; well, at least an operating one. The closest he'd gotten to a functional high school was when Magnus made him sit through all three _High School Musical_s. Alec had to say, if this really high school, he'd be disappointed by the lack of spontaneous dance numbers. _Is this a nightmare then? No, that can't be it... no demons have come out. And why would I dream of Clary getting on me? Fuck no... Magnus might know what this is. But how could I-?_

"Do you think you'll be okay for class?" Simon had scooted onto the cot next to Alec, frowning. "Because if you're not you can always sit math out. Though, with your grade, I don't know..." Simon added with the air of an afterthought, biting a finger in thought. The sharp sound of a clap resonated in the small room, going straight to Alec's temple, bringing whatever focus Simon thought had been lost back to him. "But it'll be okay. You need to get your mojo back for the game tonight."

_So whoever I am here is an idiot. Great. I guess that explains Clary... _He was about to agree and ask to stay and lay down, when he noted the debaucherous glint in Clary's eyes. _Okay maybe not. _"I think I'm good for class. Um... you got our bags?"

He glanced around the office, realizing that they hadn't brought their backpacks up in the confusion earlier. But Simon was one step ahead of him. "Don't worry. I had Lucas take them to class ahead of us, just in case. You ready, then?"

Alec nodded and Simon helped him up. Clary huffed disappointedly. "Well, I guess you can go. But if you have any second thoughts... I'll be in my car." She tweaked his cheek and giggled, scurrying away just as quickly as she came. Trying not to flinch away too noticeably, Alec stepped away from Simon, shoving his hands in his pockets.

He sighed. "That was... exhausting."

"Tell me about it." Simon hummed in agreement, tilting his head slightly to the side when he looked at Alec. "You remember where the classroom is?"

Alec froze. "Ahhhh..."

"Don't worry. Follow me." He walked over to the door and propped it open for Alec, smiling. Meekly, Alec slunk by, still slightly shaken from Clary's appearance. He heard the door swing shut behind the two of them along with a muttered, "_Fuck I wonder what else he forgot..."_

Walking with Simon down the deserted halls, Alec wondered at the vampire's-_was he even a vampire here?_- characteristics. It was obvious that Simon was different, and it bugged Alec that he was so close to putting his finger on it, yet couldn't. Was it the way he looked? The way he acted? Maybe a little bit of both. Watching him walk, Alec noticed how Simon moved with measured steps down the middle of the beige corridor, shoulders back and chin raised. Simon turned a corner into a narrow stairwell, and Alec followed a few steps behind, lost in his thoughts until a movement caught his eye. _Wait a minute..._Blushing slightly as he shamelessly watched Simon walk up the stairs, hips swinging slightly, Alec felt his eyebrows raise unintentionally. _Well, that explains some stuff. He makes Magnus look straight._

"Here we are," Simon announced as they reached the top of the staircase, headed for the doorway across the hall. Alec hurried into the class, hoping for a distraction from his newfound discovery. He wasn't sure what was socially acceptable in the situation and honestly didn't have the energy to think about it at the moment.

The classroom was, to say the least, was not what Alec had pictured the ideal class to be. Kids sat in groups on desks, chatting aimlessly while their books lay untouched in messy stacks to the side. Paper wads and bits of trail mix were flung across the room at random intervals followed by outbursts of swearing on the occasions the projectiles hit their mark. The teacher, a portly man of about forty who was reading a fraying novel, sat back in his chair with his legs kicked up on his desk, uncaring of the chaos around him. It was messy, loud, and most of all hell for his headache.

Simon elbowed Alec and nodded to a pair of bags that had been tossed against the back wall, their bags. But no sooner did he do this when a considerable amount of squealing crop out of the cacophony. Across the room, a cluster of girls were waving frantically at Simon, beckoning him to go over. With a smile and a quick "see you after class" he practically skipped over to the group, waving excitedly back. Leaving Alec to sit awkwardly behind a group of what he guessed were "Emo" kids in mundane slang. He pulled his bag from the wall and began to dig through it, trying to ignore the glares he got from the social outcasts.

He flushed at what he found there. Playboys lay bookmarked and out in the openness of the main pocket of his backpack, as well as a few condoms scattered across the bottom of the bag. He found a heavily graffitied algebra textbook wedged between pictures of naked women, of which he gingerly pulled out trying not to reveal the offending photography. _Damn. It's like Jace's bottom drawer in here..._

"Class... class!" A voice boomed from the front of the class, and the chatter died down. Slowly, kids got off of the desks and slouched into their seats, mutters flittering about as attention redirected to the teacher.

Once it had quieted down, he cleared his throat. "Thank you. Now I doubt you've noticed in your endless need to hold a conversation amongst yourselves but we have a new face in class today. He's a student from the University of Florida that has oh so luckily been assigned to our class for the semester. Ah, Mr. Bane, will you please stand up so we can all see you?"

Alec's heart stopped. _Did he just say...? _There was a slight creak of someone getting up out of one of the old rusty chairs in the back, and in almost one motion the class turned to the back of the room to face their new instructor.

He was just as tall and wiry as Alec had remembered. Not that he needed to do that much remembering; he'd been making out with him less than an hour ago. But apart from the obvious similarities in build, "Mr. Bane" was about as far from Magnus as one could possibly get. For one, his clothes were not only _not_ skin tight but were actually, dare he say, _baggy._His hair was what startled Alec the most. It was neither up in gravity-defying spikes, nor was it down silken black waves. No, it was almost completely gone. His hair was down to only an inch of black of which was conservatively combed down to perfect neatness.

Also, his face was completely free of any make-up. This wasn't as unusual as everything else, as Magnus was frequently without make-up around him, Alec had even expressed his preference for that. But there was not a trace of leftover eyeliner or a smudge of forgotten mascara to be found. And the glitter, which would have normally taken weeks between wears to wash out and thus never really gone, was nonexistent.

But it wasn't so much the absence of these things that he had grown so used to, it was that the whole air of the man. The feeling that any of these things, the tight clothes, the hair, the make-up, the glitter, now would be out of place. However the biggest difference, what made Alec's heart ache the most, was the complete lack of confidence in this person. His shoulders were slouched, and his fingers were gripping a blank white binder, fidgeting with a stray corner of paper that was sticking out of said binder. _Oh Magnus..._

Clear green eyes nervously surveyed the class from behind thick-rimmed glasses, and he cleared his throat before addressing the class.

"Ah... yes. H-hello. I'm Magnus Bane, and I will be assisting with the teaching of this class for the duration of the semester."

* * *

_A/N: Thank you SO much for all the reviews and follows guys! It really means a lot to us!_

_Now this is probably going to be moved over to DoctorTheTwitches account upon the next update, so keep an eye out for that as this version will be taken down as soon as that one goes up! _

_Reviews will help with more chapters, and the more chapters the closer we come to introducing both the Alecs to eachother. ;)_


	3. Stoner Stole my Girlfriend

"So wait, you _don't_ know what's going on with him?"

"Not a clue. At first I thought it was something he had during the get-together but..." There was a troubled sigh, "I've never seen anything like it. It's as if he was a completely different person."

There was a silence, giving Alec a moment to gather his now returning thoughts. _Am I still in the shower? Simon might have gotten me to the nurses... I hope they at least got a towel around before dragging me across the school though. I don't want the ladies to think that Simon and I were-_

His eyes snapped open at the sudden return of his memory. All at once the images plowed into his mind; the kiss, the fall, the made-up freak he had been pinning...

"Aw..._ fuck_..." He groaned, his hands clasping over his eyes. His head felt like it had gone under a pick and hammer, what he guessed was a hangover induced migraine splitting his skull while he tried to muddle through this mess.

Immediately he felt a long, bony hand gently clasp onto his arm. The male voice from before spoke. "Alec... dear... how are you feeling?"

"OH FUCK NO! NOT AGAIN." Scrambling against smooth sheets and a comforter that was way too fluffy to be acceptable, Alec ripped his arm away from the hand before any more of the gay could get on him. Eyes wide open in shock, Alec recognized his assailant from the night before leaning over him, hair just as horribly glitter-coated, but his face was thankfully not as whore-ishly made up as before. Choking back a gag at seeing the _guy_ that had molested him, Alec looked away before he lost yesterday's protein shake all over the neon bedclothes.

"Oh dear. Looks like it hasn't quite worn off yet." The freakish man-woman-thing leaned away and crossed its arms, something like concern in its features. Alec was about to say something very cutting and hurtful, hopefully bad enough that the thing would let him go from this nightmare, but a new voice stopped him.

"By the Angel, what happened to him? I've never seen him like this. Are you sure there wasn't anything in his system?" _ Wait a minute... _Alec had heard that voice before, but he didn't want to risk looking away from the man lest he try to shove his tongue down his throat again. Weighing the cons with the Fuck Nos, Alec dared a quick glance to the second speaker, but found a sight much more welcoming than he'd hoped.

"Clary!" Eyes raking up and down her hot bod, Alec didn't even care that she wasn't wearing her usual sexy cheerleading uniform. He could see the outline of her boobs and that was enough. _ Oh thank God, that freak didn't turn me somehow._ "Oh Clary, baby, thank God you're here! I swear to Jesus fucking Christ that I had no fucking _clue_ what was happening, babe. You gotta get me outta here before this fucking fag tries to ass-rape me again! I don't wanna die!"

In another situation Alec may have been ashamed of the higher register his voice had chosen, but there were more important things to worry about. You can't blame a guy for his voice getting a tad bit higher when he was scared for his fucking _life_. Things slip through the cracks when you're worried you're about to be molested.

But if he was looking for sympathy from his girlfriend, he wasn't getting any. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped to a surprised "O". "Oh Angel... you weren't kidding."

"Kidding about what ba-" Just then the wind was knocked out of him by an invisible force. _Aw fuck not again._ Just as at the scene of his previous maltreatment, he no longer had access to his vocal chords.

The glittery freak sighed and nodded. "I swear, he's a completely different person."

Clary-wonderful, sexy as fuck Clary-sat down at the foot of the bed. She crossed her arms over her chest-_ Nononono I was looking at that _-and stared at him as if he were some sort of specimen in a science experiment_. As if Clary even knows how to spell "science"... come on uncross your arms girl._ "When did you notice him acting... well, like this?"

"Well it was all fine until I gave him a hickey." Glitter Hair joined Clary in observing him, and Alec squirmed uncomfortably under his gaze, no longer able to express his discomfort vocally. "Do you think it was that? I admit, they're a little tacky, but he usually loves those..."

Alec gagged, scrambling away from the edge of the bed where the guy- _Holy fuck are those cat eyes that he has?_ -and placing himself firmly behind Clary. If anyone wanted to accuse him for using his girlfriend as a faggot shield, he wouldn't deny it. _Maybe her tits will make him think twice about trying to nail me. Quick Clary! Take your shirt off!_

He took her shoulders and glared at the guy from behind her. At this point he would have moved his hands down and hoisted up the hem of her tragically loose T-shirt but his plans were quickly derailed when suddenly an elbow met with the center of his face, sending him sprawling back on the bed.

_What in the name of Fuck!?_ Hand going to his nose reflexively, Alec blinked a few times before he stopped seeing red. Whoever hit him packed a hell of a punch. Alec stayed on the bed, letting the pain recede as he moaned silently.

"Okay, Magnus, you have five seconds to explain why Alec is suddenly all over my girlfriend!" Shooting up into a sitting position, his nose all but forgotten, Alec glared pure death at the guy who'd called that sweet piece of ass_ his_ girlfriend. Sizing him up, Alec knew he could take him. It was obvious that he was more the pretty-boy type than the kick-the-living-shit-out-of-you type. He was way too cocky, too. Alec knew from many years in front of a mirror just what cocky looked like and this guy was textbook.

But something about the kid was off. He was...familiar. Narrowing his eyes, Alec looked past the confident front and really saw the guy._ No way._ Upon recognizing the kid, Alec burst out in tragically silent laughter, tears forming in his eyes. There was no fucking way that the Pot Head was saying he had a girlfriend at all, let alone saying that _the_ Clary fucking _Fray_ was his.

"Jace, darling, I really don't think that this is Alec we're dealing with anymore." It was the walking gay bar talking now, and with such a degrading tone that Alec had to keep laughing. As if it was possible to degrade Wayland any more than he'd already done himself. Even without his baggy-ass jeans and Bob Marley T-shirt, Alec knew if he got close enough he would be able to smell the weed. _Where's your trumpet, Wayland? Don't you use that as a bong or something? Weed uses bongs right...?_

But...he was standing upright. And forming full sentences. And calling sex on legs redhead over there _his_ girlfriend. In all the laughing about Wayland being an idiot, Alec had almost forgotten that he may be an idiot, but he was now claiming Clary's boobs as his own! This could not continue. Sitting upright and wiping the blood from under his nose, Alec continued his earlier tactic of glaring at Wayland and imagining tackling him to the ground.

Apparently, while he'd been busy laughing his head off like a pot head himself, Stoner, Sexy Chick and Dumblewhore had been talking.

"...haven't quite thought that far ahead yet. The possibilities are endless when it comes to what's happened to him. Whatever it was, it's stronger than some twigweed. That's for sure."

"Well, we need to fix him, whatever the hell is wrong. I can't guarantee I won't kick his ass if he keeps ogling my girlfriend, even if he is my brother." Alec's derisive snort was lost on them, blocked by whatever devious means through which they had stolen his voice. _ The fuck are you talking about brothers, Wayland? As if._

"Like I can't handle myself, Jace," Alec's personal entertainment system scowled, her arms still firmly crossed over the only things that would have made him feel any better in this situation.

"Based on how he didn't get you back for nearly breaking his nose, Jace, I'd say he's lost whatever fight instincts he had. I would be surprised if I couldn't have him in a solid pin in under twenty seconds in his current condition."

_Yes, please. _

"While that would be fun for the whole family to watch, I'm sure," Alec's fantasies were interrupted by Glitterbomb opening his mouth again. "We really should figure out what to do with him. I wonder if he's calmed down enough to speak without insulting someone every other word. What do you think, doll?" Once again the center of attention, Alec shifted his gaze between the three of them, doing his best to exude a don't-fuck-with-me vibe. _You call me something that gay again and I swear on my latest Playboy I'll-_

"Only one way to find out, I guess." Clary mused, standing and stepping behind Magnus with a suspicious glint in her eye._ What the fuck, babe? Since when don't you want a piece of this ass?_ He wiggled his eyebrows at her, giving his most sultry smirk. A plan which swiftly backfired when his girlfriend burst out laughing. "Oh Angel... never mind."

The pothead was right along with her in the laughter. "Jesus... are you sure he hasn't gone back? I haven't seen him look gayer."

"Shut up Jace," Clary said, trying to hold back a laugh. The fuck, she was even laughing at his jokes? This needed to stop. "Alec, or whoever you are under the influence of whatever you took," Clary turned back to him, an authority in her voice that hadn't been there before. Like, actual authority. Alec couldn't help but pay attention. Well, some amount of attention. The rest was imagining that firm voice in an entirely different situation, taking care of something else that was growing rather firm on its own.

"Alec, if we let you speak again will you promise to say something of value rather than just a string of cuss words?" Hands on her curvaceous hips, Alec nodded automatically, too focused on how suddenly turned on he was by her strong stance. _Oh babe, we are definitely exploring this new side of you later. I have no problems with taking you right here, but I think we'd explode their little gay minds with our heterosexual hotness. In fact, fuck it, these cocksuckers need a wake up call. We'd be doing them a public service if we showed them the benefits of-_

Glitter-tipped fingers intruded into Alec's field of vision like a jarful of flaming fireflies, snapping his attention away from the possible ways in which he and Clary could educate the fags in their company and back to a reality where the Pride Parade was waving a hand in front of his face.

"Alec, stop drooling over Clary and focus! We need to figure out what the hell is wrong with you, and we can't do that if Jace has ripped out your spine." Alec scowled his best_ I'm thinking of the best way to kill you_ scowl at the atrociously dressed thing strutting around in front of him as if it was saying something of worth. But then again, Alec kind of liked where his spine was...and it would be nice to be able to talk again. Then he could tell that redhead tease exactly what he was thinking. Looking back to the only person worth looking at, Alec nodded again, more seriously this time. In the periphery Alec saw Jace skulking at Clary's side.

"Thank the Angel, maybe we'll get some real answers," he huffed. _That's not the only thing you're huffing, dude._ Alec stiffled a snicker as Fagsplosion stood in front of him, leveling him with a cold stare, those freakish yellow eyes making Alec's skin crawl. He snapped his fingers.

"Clary I wanna fuck you upside down."

Silence, a resounding crack, and Alec was holding his nose once again, blood gushing through his fingers. Voices drifted in and out of Alec's awareness through the pain.

"Holy Hell, Clary, you beat me to it!"

"Jesus, his face is hard."

"While on any other occasion I would promptly turn you into a ferret for punching my boyfriend, I find that right now I'm feeling no such inclination...though I do rather prefer his nose unbroken."

"It'll heal. For now he can suffer."

"By the Angel, Clary, when did you become such a hardass?"

"Roundabouts when your parabatai started coming onto me, Jace."

"...Fair point."

"As much as I love listening to you two banter, I think it's just about time we get some real answers, don't you? Come along, Alexander."

A large hand on his shoulder hauled Alec back into a sitting position, still clutching at his bleeding nose. Before he could shake the hand away in disgust, another firmly took hold of his chin, forcing him to look into fiery gold eyes. _ Is that the color of Wayland's eyes?_ The thought flitted through Alec's mind, _I never noticed through all the sunglasses and blood-shotiness...that's totally a word._

"Now you listen to me, and you listen well, Alec," he spat the name like one would a piece of phlegm, his face a heavy set grimace. "Whatever the hell has happened, you need to snap out of it and give me back my brother, or your nose won't be the only thing broken." Alec would have laughed at the notion, but the pain in his head and the steel grip on his chin proved that no matter what Alec wanted to think about being able to take this drug-free version of Wayland in a fight, he stood no chance if it came to throwing punches. "And if you say one more vulgar thing to Clary, to _any_ of us, I will string you from the rafters of the Institute by your-"

"Insbituth?!" The exclamation, clotted blood making the word into a lisping gasp, was no less exuberant for the hinderence. "You're all legibimately crathy! I knewb it!"

More hands shot forth to restrain him as Alec tried to stand in a futile attempt to escape.

"Wait a minute-you don't even remember the Institute? Alec," Clary's comfortingly sexy voice calmed him somewhat, but it was mostly the fact that she had come to stand in front of him, bending slightly to be on eye-level with him._ There you go, now just stay there so I can keep my view. _Alec's enjoyment of his new view down Clary's shirt was interrupted, however, by the return of the demanding tone of voice from before. "Do you remember what you are? What you do? Who we all are?"

"I'm Alec fucking Lightwood, quarterback for the Westwood Woodchucks, King of the School, and all around Badass Motherfucker who certainly doesn't deal with fucking peasants like you," he pointed towards Jace. "You are a loser pothead with your head firmly planted up your ass; you," turning to Magnus, "are a faggy pervert vomit ball that I have never before seen in my life before you tried to rape me, and you" he face Clary again, breathing a sigh of relief. "You are my sexy redhead upstart cheerleading captain girlfriend that I am gonna bone the shit out of tonight after we win the fuck out of the play-off game and kick some Bethound Beaver ass!"

Alec, breathing a little heavily after putting so many words together into a semi-coherent statement, could only faintly hear what must have been a cat or other small animal scratching at something. "So," Alec started as he decided a sum up was in order, "You've got your fucking answers, now give me mine. Who the fuck do you think I am, and why the fuck was it the Ugly Fuckling that was trying to get into my pants earlier instead of the Sexy Swan? And, most importantly, why the fuck-"

Someone coughed. _Aw, hell no, bitches. I've been molested, silenced, laughed at, denied my tits, and I'm sure a whole bunch of other shitty things. You listen to me now, Ass-butts._ Alec glared at his captors one by one, searching their faces for signs of guilt, but only found increasing irritation. "Okay, who coughed? No one interrupts Alec fucking Lightwood with such a fucking gay-" the cough came again, stronger, and from none of the three in front of him.

"I did." Alec stood from the neon bed, no one moving to stop him as they whirled to face the wall, to the large vanity that was completely covered in bright cosmetics and scattered application tools. However, it wasn't the expansive table that was drawing their attention, though it most certainly deserved attention. It was more the pissed off, blue-eyed boy staring back at them from the large mirror.

"I coughed, and I would like to know exactly how in the name of Raziel you hijacked my body and shoved me into this cracked-out universe of yours."


End file.
